that flicker

I never really wanted to be a mother.

I just didn’t think I had it in me–whatever it was. That thing that most women possess somewhere deep down that gives them the capacity to care for something other than themselves. My life was just too easy. Too fun. The cycle of self-serving, unapologetic alcohol-infused bullshit never seemed to end, and that seemed to suit me just fine.

But today, as I–in true Becca fashion–nurse an unpleasant hangover, I am inexplicably at peace as I ingloriously munch away on that last piece of humble pie.

I never really wanted to be a mother.

But on a warm day last fall, it was taken away from me very early, and I felt something shift. Maybe I did want this. Maybe this was my chance to be better.

I wrote this when I was six months pregnant, remembering very early on the terrifying few hours where I thought I may be losing another one.

mother's day

I’m not sure many people can pinpoint the exact moment where everything changed.

But I can.

It was the moment I saw that flicker.

Happy Mother’s Day.


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