in case father’s day still sucks for you

Two years ago, I hastily signed up for a free WordPress blog and wrote down some feelings on Father’s Day.

Because I’m completely unoriginal, I modified a similar blog written by an internet stranger. It was a total one-off, but I probably should have continued it. To my astonishment, WordPress decided to Freshly Press it, and it kind of blew up.

It felt tingly to know that something I wrote resonated with that many people. Sadly–not shockingly–nothing I’ve written since has been recognized by the internet lords, and this probably has something to do with the frequent profanity and tacky internet memes this nonsense blog is saturated with.

(I love each and every one of my 58 followers, thank you).

Many of the feelings I felt then still exist today, two years later. They always will. But thanks to the existence of this 17 pound sack of drool, I have a reason to stop being such an inconsolable ball of hate this year.

liam pool

Father’s Day will never be the same for me, but that’s okay. It was never about me, anyway. I mean if there were a National Grieving Daughter Day, I would probably be leading the charge in the streets as we speak, but mercifully, that will never be a thing.

Today shouldn’t be about grief.

It should be about spending money on things. Things men like, such as power tools he’ll probably toss in the back of the shed later on when you’re in bed and maybe a case of Miller Lite.

Dad bod must be maintained.

Dad bod must be maintained.

Anyway, if you’re still reading this, know that you’re not alone if today still sucks–even after seeing those photos of my adorable baby and Leonardo DiCaprio with a beer belly.

Also know that life gets better sometimes, even when you least deserve it.

Happy Father’s Day.

dad daughter niagara falls

eat your heart out, kit kat

Look, I’m just going to clear the air before I blather on about this super sexual, (relatively) healthy thing I just made.

I’m a glutton. It’s actually quite disgusting.

Chocolate and cheese–in that order–are my two favourite foods, and without them, I would surely perish.

I am in no way being hyperbolic.

chicago deep dish pizza

Me consuming (at a rapid pace) Lou Malnati’s deep dish pizza in Chicago. Very close to being the best day of my life.

Pizza aside, I’ve been known to take down approximately seven pounds of fresh pasta in one sitting.

One time, a bunch of friends and I ordered 16 cheeseburgers from a McDonald’s drivethru at 1am (Captain Obvious’ note: we were not sober).

I’ve also likely spent the equivalent of a year’s tuition on Kit Kat bars.

So imagine my horror when I am told by a pediatric gastroenterologist that in order for me to continue to breastfeed my then 10-week old severely allergic baby, I have to immediately cut out all dairy (and soy) from my diet.

This meant no:

  • milk
  • milk chocolate
  • cheese
  • ice cream
  • butter
  • margarine
  • sour cream

…for as long as I continue to breastfeed. Just to name a few.

dairy free funny

The doctor didn’t think I could do it, and frankly, neither could I. After many a few tears and a lot of research (mercifully, I can still eat eggs, gluten, wheat, nuts, dark chocolate and cocoa), I accepted my temporary fate.

As determined as I was to keep breastfeeding, I was even more determined to find a way to keep consuming chocolate–and I have, in various cake, brownie and cupcake form.

But tonight I was craving a chocolate bar.

Not a brownie, not a cupcake–a real-ass chocolate bar.

Store bought candy bars are a no-no, which is almost as soul-crushing as not being able to sink my teeth into a piping hot cheeseburger or a gooey pizza pie.

I knew there had to be a way. Necessity is the mother of Pinterest invention, after all.

And there was.

What did people do before the internet?

before the internet funny

It took me all of five minutes to find a homemade chocolate bar recipe, and it only called for three ingredients. Three ingredients that I inexplicably already had in my home:

  1. coconut oil
  2. maple syrup
  3. cocoa powder

Not only was it free of all the crap that’s poured into mass produced store-bought candy bars, it was so delicious and easy to make that even after two generous glasses of wine, I am still very much alive and relatively un-poisoned.

chocolate bar home made

Eat your heart out, Kit Kat.

This deserves a third glass of wine!